Delight

"The quality of life is in proportion, always, to the capacity for delight. The capacity for delight is in the gift of paying attention."
~Julia Cameron

Honestly, this is a word and a concept that has been fairly foreign to me over the past few months. I haven't been able to find much delight in the world around me. Some days I haven't been able to do much more than get up, get dressed and go to work.
I was reading a post on a friend's Facebook page about his father. His father is very sick and literally has days, if that, to live. He wrote about the sweetness and the delight in having this time to spend with his father and his family, and ultimately, to say goodbye to his dad.
I was impressed with his capacity to delight in those moments. He wrote the quote from above on his page and it struck me right between the eyes. And right into my heart.

I have not delighted in much since my sister died. It's not that I'm sad all the time. I am sad, but it doesn't necessarily manifest in the way that I would have it. Sadness to me has always been a matter of moments. Something happens, or something is said, and it causes me sadness. So I cry and I feel it, and then it passes. Sometimes it takes a few days, or even weeks, but it passes. The sadness that I have experienced from losing my sister is like a black hole in the middle of the world. I don't understand sometimes how the rest of the world can just go on functioning. It shouldn't be that easy to do. It feels like this couldn't possibly have just happened to me or to the ones who love her. I have trouble making sense of the fact that it isn't happening to those around me. And that when my world stops turning and I need to stop, they should all stop, too. But they don't...

I miss feeling light. I miss feeling carefree. I miss delighting in something or someone so much that you just walk around with a stupid smile on your face without even knowing.

I hope it returns soon...

I have been told by my incredible counselor and by others who have experienced loss, that it will. That it might take months, even years. But it will return. I long for that day, when I wake up and maybe roll over in bed to look out the window, and immediately begin to delight in God for the morning sunshine, or a bird's sweet song to lull me from my bed. I miss joy... I miss the lightness of daily matters, like what kind of coffee to order at Starbuck's, or which new shoes will match my sweater the very best. I miss laughing with friends so hard that you feel like you can't breathe!

Thank you, Jesus, for meeting me every morning with arms open wide. Thank You for friends and loved ones who have not stopped asking how my heart is doing, and who have continued to lift up prayers for me and for my family. Thank You for the sweet, precious moments when You have filled the void in my heart to remind me that the hurt will subside. Thank you for reminding me daily, that I can't possibly fill the hole in her children's lives that Leanne has left. That's Your job! Thank You for not requiring me to delight in You when I cannot, but for allowing me to be held and carried anyway.

You are my sustainer, my healer and the love of my life!
I'm so grateful to be Yours...

PS-And thank you for tissues with lotion!

~RB

She's home...

...I am sorry that I haven't posted any updates in over 2 months. This year and this past fall especially, have been the most difficult of my adult life as I've watched my sister deteriorate and die a little everyday.

My sister lost her battle with addiction on January 6, 2009.

I almost can't believe that I am writing those words... I know that it wasn't God's will that she lose this battle and go to be with Him at the young age of 39. I know that she could have beaten it. And that she should still be here, fighting for her life and winning. She should be with her children and her husband and the rest of us who loved her so much.

But she just couldn't do it. The addict took over and Satan was victorious in leading her down the path that ended her life here on this earth.

BUT, he is not the victor! She is home! And she is free!
She doesn't hurt anymore. She isn't broken anymore. She doesn't have to feel pain or guilt or sadness anymore. My sister is home with her heavenly Father and the Savior of her life, Jesus.

I am so grateful to Him for holding up His end of the deal! He never required that she hold up hers and beat her demons. He saved her and He loved her and He took her when she breathed her last breath... Oh, how I love Him for that!!!

I am grateful to every person that prayed for her while she was here! I ask that you continue to pray but please shift it to her 4 amazing children. They have a tough road ahead as they let it sink in that their mom isn't here anymore.



I'll miss you, Anne, but I'll see you soon...

A little comic relief...

So, sometimes when life is just yucky and difficult, you have to take a moment and find something to laugh about!

I was having lunch with a friend last Saturday and came across this video on youtube. Needless to say, I was quite tickled.
We both laughed and cried and folks stared at us, but it was totally worth it!

Just thought I would post it, so you could do the same...

Enjoy...

Defeated

...that's how I'm feeling today...

I hate days like this! I'm glad they don't last, but when they're here they're hard to deal with. Especially when you work in ministry and you have to be "on". Not that I feel like that too much at my church. It's a really great place to worship and to work. But today, I would feel that way just about anywhere, even in the best situation.

There is so much going on in my family and it's really difficult to be so far away from them. I miss my sister. For those of you that have been asking about her, here is a little update:

She left the Atlanta area a few weeks ago after getting kicked out of the rehab center she was in. She went up to Virginia Beach where she had some friends who were also in recovery. Her plan was to get into a halfway house up there, find a job and go to meetings. It was going to be difficult, but just about her last option. The one thing we all knew is that she couldn't be in Charlotte where her kids are. It wouldn't have been fair to them or to her, until she is much better.
So she got into the home and found a job. She was actually doing the work for a while and we all were able to move from defcon 1 to about 3 or 4. It was nice to know that she had a roof over her head and was surrounded by folks who understood what she was dealing with and could help her by doing life together.

Then the call came...

She got kicked out of the home for using. I knew it was a possibility. It's always a possibility, but it still feels like a swift kick in the stomach when that call comes.

So, today I am missing her and wondering how she is and where she is. She's not home in Charlotte. As far as I know she's still up in Virginia Beach, but I'm not sure where she's sleeping or how she's doing.
Again, you can't understand how strange and wrong it feels to type that. I should know where all my loved ones are and how they're doing. She should be inside my circle of influence but she's not.

She is outside my influence and outside my help and it feels wrong. Empty. Painful. Hopeless.

I haven't lost hope in Jesus and I know that He knows the details of her life right now, and that's all I could ask for. But it still feels so wrong.

I miss my sister. I'm on alert waiting for a phone call that I pray never comes.
I miss my sister.

Call and Response!

Go to this website RIGHT NOW!!

Get involved!
Spread the word!
DO SOMETHING!!!

~RB

Mindy Smith

Yeah!!

This is my song right now... it's great whether you're higher than the clouds, or lower than your lowest day.

Mindy Smith is a new find for me and I am thoroughly enjoying her stuff. Check it out, you won't be sorry...

(thanks to Katie for the find!)

Long Weekend...

She didn't make it.
She used a couple of days after getting there.
She called me and asked if I could come pick her up when they found out 'cause they kicked her out.

I said no...

She has been living in a hotel room the last couple of days. Not sure how long that will last. My brother in law put her up thinking she would come to some sense.

She hasn't yet.

I can't believe I'm thinking this, but I hope he can turn her out on her own.
I don't know what she'll do, but it's her turn to figure it out.

Those of you that pray, please...