Today...

I just froze for a second trying to think of what I was going to call this post... I have no idea how to some up all that is happening in my brain or in my heart.

This post is probably going to get heavy, so if you're feeling fragile for any reason today I suggest you stop reading.

I couldn't possibly try to put into words how broken my heart is today, or how heavy the weight of the world feels on my shoulders. My sister is dying...

She is an addict. She has struggled with her addiction for most of her life, but it has really crippled her throughout her years as an adult. She's 38, so you can only imagine how long she has really struggled. To say that her addiction has effected me or my family is an understatement if there ever was one. I can't express to you how difficult it is to watch someone you love continually hurt themselves. She daily puts herself, her children and others in danger. Oh yeah, she has four of the greatest kids in the world! They range in ages from 8-17 and none of them have ever known what she's really like. They mostly just know their mom as an addict. She has missed birthdays, little league games, field trips, holidays... the list is long.
This entire year has probably been the toughest on all of us as we have watched her struggle more than she ever has. I don't know why this year in particular has been so much tougher except that as her disease progresses, she just gets worse. The space in her mind and body that the addict takes up is so much greater than the part that my actual sister inhabits. And the addict is gaining space every moment of every day. And I hate the addict! She is selfish and out of control. She is completely submerged in a fantasy world that is really so much more like a nightmare. All she can think about or even focus on for any amount of time is her next "fix". I hate the addict. She is like a tasmanian devil that just whirls around leaving nothing but destruction and chaos wherever she goes. I hate the addict...

But I love my sister. She is the most amazing person when she isn't using. And there have been long periods over the years where she has had sobriety. I think her longest run was about 2 years at one time, and those 2 years were so amazing. She was growing in her faith, and repairing damage she had caused with her family and friends. There wasn't anything we couldn't talk about and we talked all the time. We would pray together and cry together and solve all the worlds' problems on the phone. I love my sister and I miss her everyday. She is one of the smartest, funniest, easiest people to be with. I know most people say they like their siblings, and even love them. But I really love mine. She is one of my best friends! She is giving, encouraging and understanding. And she has such a thirst for knowledge. Like none I've ever seen! She constantly had 4 or 5 books going at one time and she's one of the those people that can read something once and remember it forever. Even in conversations, if she heard it once she remembered it. I was always envious of those qualities.
She's a great mom, too. She loves her kids more than her own life. She listens and encourages. She knows when to step in and when to let them figure something out for themselves. She taught them how to thirst for knowledge and how to find most of the answers they were looking for. And she taught them about Jesus. And I know without a shadow of doubt that each one of them has a personal relationship with Him. What a gift...

But she has been the addict consistently for a very long time now. So long that I'm not sure if her younger kids remember much about their real mom. She is choosing to feed the addict all the time now and it's gotten to the point where we will have to cut her out of our lives. To protect her children and ourselves. My parents and I checked her in to her last rehab this past week. I say it was her last because it was literally her last resource for help. If she couldn't stay in this one and make it work then we were going to be out of options. There's nothing you can do for an addict who doesn't want to do the work and help themselves and it gets to the point where being the safety net to keep them from hitting "bottom" and potentially losing everything hurts more than it helps. We have reached that point. You have no idea how difficult it is to write that. To admit that. That there isn't anything I can do for her anymore. She is literally on her own and if she doesn't take advantage of this chance than the likelihood that she will not survive is greater than the likelihood that she will.

Jesus,
She is in your hands completely now. None of us can save her from herself. Only You can do that. I trust You with her life. Please pierce her in a way that is new and fresh and can help her see what she is potentially giving up. Make her turn to You and cling to You. Make her see the life that You have willed for her. A life with choices, and relationships. A life with her children. A future, Lord. I bind Satan and his minions in Your name, my Jesus!! Keep him away from her, he has no hold here!
You are bigger than anything or anyone I can fathom and You love her more than I can imagine. She is Yours...

I love you!

Thank you for already keeping the worst thing in this existence that could ever happen to her from being a possibility! I know that no matter what happens in this life, she is Yours. And I know that no matter what we choose after that decision is made, You will always hold up Your end of the bargain. Thank You for Your faithfulness to her. For Your faithfulness to her children. I don't understand how You do what You do, but I trust You nonetheless.

Thank You, Father...