She didn't make it.
She used a couple of days after getting there.
She called me and asked if I could come pick her up when they found out 'cause they kicked her out.
I said no...
She has been living in a hotel room the last couple of days. Not sure how long that will last. My brother in law put her up thinking she would come to some sense.
She hasn't yet.
I can't believe I'm thinking this, but I hope he can turn her out on her own.
I don't know what she'll do, but it's her turn to figure it out.
Those of you that pray, please...
Monday, September 15, 2008
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Today...
I just froze for a second trying to think of what I was going to call this post... I have no idea how to some up all that is happening in my brain or in my heart.
This post is probably going to get heavy, so if you're feeling fragile for any reason today I suggest you stop reading.
I couldn't possibly try to put into words how broken my heart is today, or how heavy the weight of the world feels on my shoulders. My sister is dying...
She is an addict. She has struggled with her addiction for most of her life, but it has really crippled her throughout her years as an adult. She's 38, so you can only imagine how long she has really struggled. To say that her addiction has effected me or my family is an understatement if there ever was one. I can't express to you how difficult it is to watch someone you love continually hurt themselves. She daily puts herself, her children and others in danger. Oh yeah, she has four of the greatest kids in the world! They range in ages from 8-17 and none of them have ever known what she's really like. They mostly just know their mom as an addict. She has missed birthdays, little league games, field trips, holidays... the list is long.
This entire year has probably been the toughest on all of us as we have watched her struggle more than she ever has. I don't know why this year in particular has been so much tougher except that as her disease progresses, she just gets worse. The space in her mind and body that the addict takes up is so much greater than the part that my actual sister inhabits. And the addict is gaining space every moment of every day. And I hate the addict! She is selfish and out of control. She is completely submerged in a fantasy world that is really so much more like a nightmare. All she can think about or even focus on for any amount of time is her next "fix". I hate the addict. She is like a tasmanian devil that just whirls around leaving nothing but destruction and chaos wherever she goes. I hate the addict...
But I love my sister. She is the most amazing person when she isn't using. And there have been long periods over the years where she has had sobriety. I think her longest run was about 2 years at one time, and those 2 years were so amazing. She was growing in her faith, and repairing damage she had caused with her family and friends. There wasn't anything we couldn't talk about and we talked all the time. We would pray together and cry together and solve all the worlds' problems on the phone. I love my sister and I miss her everyday. She is one of the smartest, funniest, easiest people to be with. I know most people say they like their siblings, and even love them. But I really love mine. She is one of my best friends! She is giving, encouraging and understanding. And she has such a thirst for knowledge. Like none I've ever seen! She constantly had 4 or 5 books going at one time and she's one of the those people that can read something once and remember it forever. Even in conversations, if she heard it once she remembered it. I was always envious of those qualities.
She's a great mom, too. She loves her kids more than her own life. She listens and encourages. She knows when to step in and when to let them figure something out for themselves. She taught them how to thirst for knowledge and how to find most of the answers they were looking for. And she taught them about Jesus. And I know without a shadow of doubt that each one of them has a personal relationship with Him. What a gift...
But she has been the addict consistently for a very long time now. So long that I'm not sure if her younger kids remember much about their real mom. She is choosing to feed the addict all the time now and it's gotten to the point where we will have to cut her out of our lives. To protect her children and ourselves. My parents and I checked her in to her last rehab this past week. I say it was her last because it was literally her last resource for help. If she couldn't stay in this one and make it work then we were going to be out of options. There's nothing you can do for an addict who doesn't want to do the work and help themselves and it gets to the point where being the safety net to keep them from hitting "bottom" and potentially losing everything hurts more than it helps. We have reached that point. You have no idea how difficult it is to write that. To admit that. That there isn't anything I can do for her anymore. She is literally on her own and if she doesn't take advantage of this chance than the likelihood that she will not survive is greater than the likelihood that she will.
Jesus,
She is in your hands completely now. None of us can save her from herself. Only You can do that. I trust You with her life. Please pierce her in a way that is new and fresh and can help her see what she is potentially giving up. Make her turn to You and cling to You. Make her see the life that You have willed for her. A life with choices, and relationships. A life with her children. A future, Lord. I bind Satan and his minions in Your name, my Jesus!! Keep him away from her, he has no hold here!
You are bigger than anything or anyone I can fathom and You love her more than I can imagine. She is Yours...
I love you!
Thank you for already keeping the worst thing in this existence that could ever happen to her from being a possibility! I know that no matter what happens in this life, she is Yours. And I know that no matter what we choose after that decision is made, You will always hold up Your end of the bargain. Thank You for Your faithfulness to her. For Your faithfulness to her children. I don't understand how You do what You do, but I trust You nonetheless.
Thank You, Father...
This post is probably going to get heavy, so if you're feeling fragile for any reason today I suggest you stop reading.
I couldn't possibly try to put into words how broken my heart is today, or how heavy the weight of the world feels on my shoulders. My sister is dying...
She is an addict. She has struggled with her addiction for most of her life, but it has really crippled her throughout her years as an adult. She's 38, so you can only imagine how long she has really struggled. To say that her addiction has effected me or my family is an understatement if there ever was one. I can't express to you how difficult it is to watch someone you love continually hurt themselves. She daily puts herself, her children and others in danger. Oh yeah, she has four of the greatest kids in the world! They range in ages from 8-17 and none of them have ever known what she's really like. They mostly just know their mom as an addict. She has missed birthdays, little league games, field trips, holidays... the list is long.
This entire year has probably been the toughest on all of us as we have watched her struggle more than she ever has. I don't know why this year in particular has been so much tougher except that as her disease progresses, she just gets worse. The space in her mind and body that the addict takes up is so much greater than the part that my actual sister inhabits. And the addict is gaining space every moment of every day. And I hate the addict! She is selfish and out of control. She is completely submerged in a fantasy world that is really so much more like a nightmare. All she can think about or even focus on for any amount of time is her next "fix". I hate the addict. She is like a tasmanian devil that just whirls around leaving nothing but destruction and chaos wherever she goes. I hate the addict...
But I love my sister. She is the most amazing person when she isn't using. And there have been long periods over the years where she has had sobriety. I think her longest run was about 2 years at one time, and those 2 years were so amazing. She was growing in her faith, and repairing damage she had caused with her family and friends. There wasn't anything we couldn't talk about and we talked all the time. We would pray together and cry together and solve all the worlds' problems on the phone. I love my sister and I miss her everyday. She is one of the smartest, funniest, easiest people to be with. I know most people say they like their siblings, and even love them. But I really love mine. She is one of my best friends! She is giving, encouraging and understanding. And she has such a thirst for knowledge. Like none I've ever seen! She constantly had 4 or 5 books going at one time and she's one of the those people that can read something once and remember it forever. Even in conversations, if she heard it once she remembered it. I was always envious of those qualities.
She's a great mom, too. She loves her kids more than her own life. She listens and encourages. She knows when to step in and when to let them figure something out for themselves. She taught them how to thirst for knowledge and how to find most of the answers they were looking for. And she taught them about Jesus. And I know without a shadow of doubt that each one of them has a personal relationship with Him. What a gift...
But she has been the addict consistently for a very long time now. So long that I'm not sure if her younger kids remember much about their real mom. She is choosing to feed the addict all the time now and it's gotten to the point where we will have to cut her out of our lives. To protect her children and ourselves. My parents and I checked her in to her last rehab this past week. I say it was her last because it was literally her last resource for help. If she couldn't stay in this one and make it work then we were going to be out of options. There's nothing you can do for an addict who doesn't want to do the work and help themselves and it gets to the point where being the safety net to keep them from hitting "bottom" and potentially losing everything hurts more than it helps. We have reached that point. You have no idea how difficult it is to write that. To admit that. That there isn't anything I can do for her anymore. She is literally on her own and if she doesn't take advantage of this chance than the likelihood that she will not survive is greater than the likelihood that she will.
Jesus,
She is in your hands completely now. None of us can save her from herself. Only You can do that. I trust You with her life. Please pierce her in a way that is new and fresh and can help her see what she is potentially giving up. Make her turn to You and cling to You. Make her see the life that You have willed for her. A life with choices, and relationships. A life with her children. A future, Lord. I bind Satan and his minions in Your name, my Jesus!! Keep him away from her, he has no hold here!
You are bigger than anything or anyone I can fathom and You love her more than I can imagine. She is Yours...
I love you!
Thank you for already keeping the worst thing in this existence that could ever happen to her from being a possibility! I know that no matter what happens in this life, she is Yours. And I know that no matter what we choose after that decision is made, You will always hold up Your end of the bargain. Thank You for Your faithfulness to her. For Your faithfulness to her children. I don't understand how You do what You do, but I trust You nonetheless.
Thank You, Father...
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Twilight
Ok, I admit it...
...I can't WAIT for this to come out!!
Have you read the books?
Are you going to see it when it comes out?
Consider this your official "bite"... : )
~RB
...I can't WAIT for this to come out!!
Have you read the books?
Are you going to see it when it comes out?
Consider this your official "bite"... : )
~RB
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
My Prayer Today...
Desert Song: Hillsong
This is my prayer in the desert
When all that’s within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides
This is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flame
And I will bring praise, I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice, I will declare
God is my victory and He is here
This is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on its way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I’ll stand
All of my life, In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship
This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I’m filled to be emptied again
The seed I’ve received I will sow
...Amen, and Amen
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Wake Up!
If I find in myself desires nothing in this world can satisfy,
I can only conclude that I was not made for here.
If the flesh that I fight is at best only light and momentary,
then of course I'll feel nude, when to where I'm destined I am compared.
~Brooke Fraser
This life is heavy and broken and lost. I fight those facts on a daily basis sometimes. It's suffocating.
But I am no longer bound to this world or that brokenness if I choose not to be. The way has already been cleared.
I just seem to choose the thick and covering forest when I could choose the open, green field.
Why?
Why is it easier sometimes, to live under the weight of this world than to live in the freedom that is in Christ?
I think that darkness can be easier than light, sometimes. I wish this wasn't the case, but it seems my dysfunction is more comfortable than stepping out in freedom. It's like when you're in a dead sleep and someone turns on the lights. It's shocking and harsh, and it catches you off guard. All you really want is to shut them off and go back to sleep.
Well, I get tired of sleeping. And as easy as it can be to roll over and go back to sleep, I don't want to miss what He has for me in the light.
I have been feeling sorry for myself lately because of all the darkness this world has thrown my way. I am done feeling sorry for myself. I am officially kicking back the covers and looking at the light. I will rest in it as it shows me all that He has for me to do and to be.
I can only conclude that I was not made for here.
If the flesh that I fight is at best only light and momentary,
then of course I'll feel nude, when to where I'm destined I am compared.
~Brooke Fraser
This life is heavy and broken and lost. I fight those facts on a daily basis sometimes. It's suffocating.
But I am no longer bound to this world or that brokenness if I choose not to be. The way has already been cleared.
I just seem to choose the thick and covering forest when I could choose the open, green field.
Why?
Why is it easier sometimes, to live under the weight of this world than to live in the freedom that is in Christ?
I think that darkness can be easier than light, sometimes. I wish this wasn't the case, but it seems my dysfunction is more comfortable than stepping out in freedom. It's like when you're in a dead sleep and someone turns on the lights. It's shocking and harsh, and it catches you off guard. All you really want is to shut them off and go back to sleep.
Well, I get tired of sleeping. And as easy as it can be to roll over and go back to sleep, I don't want to miss what He has for me in the light.
I have been feeling sorry for myself lately because of all the darkness this world has thrown my way. I am done feeling sorry for myself. I am officially kicking back the covers and looking at the light. I will rest in it as it shows me all that He has for me to do and to be.
Friday, July 11, 2008
Got One!
That's right, people... I finally got an iphone!
I was so excited last night, I could barely sleep. My plan was to get there at about 7am to meet up with a friend who was getting his first one, too. The store wasn't going to open until 8am and we thought this would be plenty of time. We were wrong...
I'm pretty sure it was the Holy Spirit that nudged me awake at 4:15am this morning... I laid in bed for quite a while and then finally gave in. I got up, brushed my teeth, threw on some clothes and headed to Starbuck's. They were open!! Got a HUGE coffee and headed over to the store. I arrived at about 6am to find that a line had formed and was already about 30 peeps long. PHEW! Got in line and called my friend. He had to work today and I didn't so I was happy to wait while he slept a little longer.
Long story short, we got our phones and even landed on ajc.com! Check it out!
I was so excited last night, I could barely sleep. My plan was to get there at about 7am to meet up with a friend who was getting his first one, too. The store wasn't going to open until 8am and we thought this would be plenty of time. We were wrong...
I'm pretty sure it was the Holy Spirit that nudged me awake at 4:15am this morning... I laid in bed for quite a while and then finally gave in. I got up, brushed my teeth, threw on some clothes and headed to Starbuck's. They were open!! Got a HUGE coffee and headed over to the store. I arrived at about 6am to find that a line had formed and was already about 30 peeps long. PHEW! Got in line and called my friend. He had to work today and I didn't so I was happy to wait while he slept a little longer.
Long story short, we got our phones and even landed on ajc.com! Check it out!
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Dun, dun, dun...
So, who's getting one of these on friday morning?
I'll be in line WAY before 8am with a great big coffee and maybe a book... : )
I'll be in line WAY before 8am with a great big coffee and maybe a book... : )
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