Defeated

...that's how I'm feeling today...

I hate days like this! I'm glad they don't last, but when they're here they're hard to deal with. Especially when you work in ministry and you have to be "on". Not that I feel like that too much at my church. It's a really great place to worship and to work. But today, I would feel that way just about anywhere, even in the best situation.

There is so much going on in my family and it's really difficult to be so far away from them. I miss my sister. For those of you that have been asking about her, here is a little update:

She left the Atlanta area a few weeks ago after getting kicked out of the rehab center she was in. She went up to Virginia Beach where she had some friends who were also in recovery. Her plan was to get into a halfway house up there, find a job and go to meetings. It was going to be difficult, but just about her last option. The one thing we all knew is that she couldn't be in Charlotte where her kids are. It wouldn't have been fair to them or to her, until she is much better.
So she got into the home and found a job. She was actually doing the work for a while and we all were able to move from defcon 1 to about 3 or 4. It was nice to know that she had a roof over her head and was surrounded by folks who understood what she was dealing with and could help her by doing life together.

Then the call came...

She got kicked out of the home for using. I knew it was a possibility. It's always a possibility, but it still feels like a swift kick in the stomach when that call comes.

So, today I am missing her and wondering how she is and where she is. She's not home in Charlotte. As far as I know she's still up in Virginia Beach, but I'm not sure where she's sleeping or how she's doing.
Again, you can't understand how strange and wrong it feels to type that. I should know where all my loved ones are and how they're doing. She should be inside my circle of influence but she's not.

She is outside my influence and outside my help and it feels wrong. Empty. Painful. Hopeless.

I haven't lost hope in Jesus and I know that He knows the details of her life right now, and that's all I could ask for. But it still feels so wrong.

I miss my sister. I'm on alert waiting for a phone call that I pray never comes.
I miss my sister.